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About Deviant Jake: Cynical IdealistMale/Unknown Recent Activity
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:iconclapplz: Ok, this is the very first critique I've done so bear with me. First off: this gripped me from start to finish. At no point did I wan...


Jake: Cynical Idealist
Yeah I watch it X)

Current Residence: Racoon City, USA
Favourite genre of music: Bit of this, bit of that
Favourite photographer: None
Favourite style of art: Art?
MP3 player of choice: One that works
Shell of choice: 88mm
Wallpaper of choice: Something bloody/militaristic
Skin of choice: My own
Favourite cartoon character: I have evolved beyond the need for cartoons!
Personal Quote: "In mortis est gloriam"
Because I can never think of anything even slightly interesting to put in these things, I might as well attempt to resurrect my old mildly entertaining quizzes from my premium membership days. Also: because Deviantart doesn't understand how status updates should work, be sure to visit my page for a cheap chuckle every now and again. Or just join me in bitching about how pointless the status update system is!


You are a hardened adventurer down on your luck in the grimmest and darkest Fantasy setting this side of pre-retardification End Times Warhammer. Whilst perusing the local classifieds you come across this plea for help, nestled between the "WANTED: Fourth for barbershop quartet - must supply own body armour and hat" and "NEED GOLD? Why not sign up for medical experiments at Backally Bob's!" ads.

"The direst of malevolent circumstances have precipitated this rallying cry across the land, to all sturdy individuals of no-small military renown. The Conhold Estate is plagued by monstrous abominations birthed of an unapprehended conciousness, their predisposition towards violence as tenacious as it is ungoverned by merciful restraint. I implore courageous warriors and unprincipled scoundrels alike to heed my words and purge the festering corruption of the Darkest Dungeon!"

How do you respond?

A) Sign up for the adventure of a extremely short lifetime!
B) Pick up your "Purple Prose to English" handbook and read it again.
C) Try your luck with that quartet thing, that could be fun.
D) Wonder if you should have listened to that travel agency about Westeros being nice this time of year.


Whether by the machinations of destiny, the ominous call of eldritch abominations or just a really bad audience reaction to your singing career, you have found yourself drawn to the squalid muck of the hamlet surrounding the Conhold Estate. A cackling loon in the ragged remnants of a caretaker's uniform takes your luggage for you, gibbering about things that mock reality with their very existence. The local barkeep stares through his surroundings with the dead eyes of a broken veteran, travelling gypsies barter shrunken heads and severed limbs for mystical protection and most pressingly of all, the blacksmith appears to be an overgrown garden gnome come to life. How do you acclimatize to your new home away from home?

A) Hide in the bushes outside the blacksmithy - tipping garden gnomes is good luck, or so you once heard from a friend's friend's friend's relative's friend's complete lies.
B) Test the services of the tavern-brothel-casino run by the shell-shocked veteran: such a reputable sounding private business, located in this Innsmouth looking village miles away from civilization or any sort of licencee granting authority, would never be the sort of place to have your throat slit while you slept!
C) Go for an evening stroll through the surrounding woods: you're pretty sure you saw some lost pennies on one of the winding road tracks, just past the murderous gaggle of bandits and two left turns from that inviting bunch of The Last of Us Infected chaps.
D) Go skinny-dipping by the cove: nothing like the refreshing spray of salt water infused with the rot of a thousand drowned mariners to really hit the spot.


The caretaker presses a stained vellum map into your hands and giggle-sobs something that might be instructions: time to earn your keep adventurer! Crumbling undead infested ruins, labyrinthine sewer networks filled with swinish beastmen, haunted forests and the watery abode of ancient nightmares - just which of these likely locales will you explore?

A) The Ruins: a skeletal army doomed to hold their ground for all eternity? Bah, you'll kill them off for good! Wait, what's that hulking brute of rusted armour and hatred stomping towards you....
B) The Warrens: Theseus ain't got shit on you, you'll be in and out of this maze with the monster's head in no time! Hang on, that scratch the pigman's blade gave you has turned three different shades of green and now you're puking your guts out....
C) The Weald: you ain't afraid of no ghost! Bloated mushroom zombies coming out of the trees on every side on the other hand....
D) The Cove: one battered fishman and chips coming right up! One moment, are they carrying cutlasses, harpoons and a lust for murder....


Regardless of area ventured into, you soon find yourself in the thick of things. Enemies lurk in every shadow, leaping out with weapons to the fore and unquenchable malice in their hearts. Unsettling whispers dance around the back of your mind, judging your darkest secrets. But even in the blackest of night there is still a shining beacon of hope: free loot! What have you come across and what is the correct way of securing it?

A) An Iron Maiden: simply open the door and climb inside to investigate the red spikes more closely.
B) A rooted moonshine barrel topped with decapitated human heads: simply remove the plug and pour out a cup of the reeking liquid within.
C) The mummified remains of an ancient adventurer: simply plunge your hands into the rib-cage and scooch around the desicated organs.
D) A bubbling pool of glowing aquatic ooze: simply crouch down and take a drink.


Oh dear. You always knew it would end like this: bleeding out in some decaying backwater hell-hole. Still, it could be worse....somehow. Try not to think about it and instead concentrate on the sage words of wisdom they'll carve on your tombstone.

A) "Guess I should have stuck with the quartet after all."
B) "Feel free to prize the loot out of my cold dead hands, because it did me a fat lot of good."
C) "Hmmm, pretty crowded down here...."
D) "Fuck the RNG."
  • Mood: Cheerful
  • Listening to: Let's Drown Out, Bloodborne soundtrack
  • Reading: Man of Honour, The Place of Dead Kings
  • Watching: Mock the Week, Fear The Walking Dead, Texas Rising
  • Playing: Darkest Dungeon, This War of Mine, Rome 2
  • Eating: Bread, Flakes, garlic crackers
  • Drinking: V

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theHyenasSBE Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015
Thanks for the fave! :peace: :aww:
Corporal-Yakob Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2015
;) No problem, always up for some ridiculously busty anthros!
theHyenasSBE Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2015
Great! highfive 
Corporal-Yakob Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2015
:iconhurrplz::iconsaysplz: Woo!
(1 Reply)
DeadlyManly Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Corporal-Yakob Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2015
Gods above, IT'S COMING RIGHT AT ME!!!
DeadlyManly Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Corporal-Yakob Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2015
*Goes to leap out of his chair to safety, only to realise too late his chair is right next to the wall*
(1 Reply)
Cylexus Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2015
Corporal-Yakob Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2015
:iconcorporal-yakob::iconsaysplz: Gee Mister Pyramid Head, you're so polite! I don't know where people get their negative impressions of you!
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